ONATIVIA

goals

2011-10-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

dance with the raindrops

once you've found the time.

focus on your swagger

once you've learned to breathe.

be someone that sports thick hair

and pretend you're that person you've always wanted to be;

you're only human and life's only make believe.

madeline

2011-08-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Pouring myself all over you, to what end?

Till you’ve curse my existence or until you've denied it?

Until you're filthy and I've offended

and you’re angry. Angry at me for forgetting,

forgetting something that never existed?

forgetting the one thing that kept us together and replacing it

with the one thing that keeps us apart?

you know better than that because you remember better than I do.

sigh

2011-05-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

so the blonde in front of me is not a hooker,
shame on me for thinking so absurdly.

she's just provocatively dressed and intoxicated
and loves showing off her beautiful legs.

the girl next to me takes a long look at her long legs in her tight skirt
and the brown paper bagged beer bottle on her lap
held onto by her small pale hands.

"sigh."

she knows nothing's going to happen so she gets off at the next stop.
she takes one last glance thru the window and we all drift away.

anxiety

2011-04-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

I wake up to the sound of drums each morning,
the pounding of my heart.

Each day...

Running and dodging the debris, the shit thrown
from the rafters, the booing from the crowd.

Till I wander alone, discouraged
put off by the teeny tiny word
that sums up my existence.

I look away because I'm embarrassed,
Medicate because I'm diseased.

I try to cook, because I'm so hungry
then settle in front of a plate full of charred defeat.

what memories are for

2011-04-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

Just bumped into Stan at the local Chinese place. He told me he was working like a dog at his father's restaurant. Told me Jessica was busy too. He's had no time to drink like he used to but stops at Paulie's every now and then to say hello to all the old faces.

It's changed, he said. The old place we used to go to is long gone, replaced with new faces, young and old alike, too busy to pay mind to anything but the pounding music and the watered down gin and whatever game happens to be on the humongous TV hanging on the brick wall. Conversations are few and far between, he said.

Sometimes he walks in, smiles and waves a hello to the last bartender left from the old days, looks about to see if there are any familiar faces and then walks over for a warm hug and a quick chat.

When he leaves, he's in reverse. One thing has changed though. He walks home thinking, "I wish things were the same, but I also wish them to be like they are now." A balance, if you will. A mixture of the old and the new in the present. We all know that's impossible and that's what memories are for.

for a moment, Hades on the dance floor

2011-03-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

emptiness is the new pain
the pain both a blessing and a curse,
hanging from our necks, an albatross
or diamond necklace, we're too distracted to know the difference.

and when it dangles too low
inches from the ground, we lift our heads up
oh, but not for too long! the king doesn't allow
comfortable breathing (there's a price for everything).

not in his kingdom, no.
where his people pay for freedom
with the blood that flows freely from our nostrils.

and with the dirt from our fingernails, we buy happiness
which comes wrapped in cellophane and
smells suspiciously like burnt rice.

angelic

2011-02-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

"I have a lot on my mind," she said.

"I'm here. Unload on me."

"And when you're done, you'll float just like a feather in the howling wind towards my loving heart."

Sensing you'd break it, I blow you away because the conditions you insist on are influenced by the devil at your side.

And as you've deduced, I'm as angelic as the next guy.

the meek

2011-01-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

to the wicked, the earth

ripe and ready, devoured then spit out

leaving the meek to salvage what is left.

with truth and inspiration, peace and good intentions,

they nestle in its heart and for the first time

the earth will be loved.

dust

2010-11-26T06:43:00.000-08:00

i am dust,

filled with complexity and thoughts

only i can interpret, only i can make real.

as dust,

i accumulate in small corners

and try to explain myself by moving with the blowing wind.

i have no voice,

no magic that makes you

see what i see or feel how i feel.

is that any reason to wipe me away with a dirty rag?

obsession

2010-11-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

it is with you

that i feel warmth and without you

that i drown in need.

nothing matters but for the light

brought by your smile.

does the song sung by my heart reach your soul

or does it stop somewhere in between?

when we suffocate, perhaps

when my eyes dance about

undressing you.

lost

2010-10-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

she's lodged inside the crevasses of my brain and once freed,
walks without direction, without a map to guide her, so afraid
yet so brave and somehow knowing that she's gone insane.

a torch in her right hand, a red bandanna on her head
holds what little sanity she has left in place so it won't fall out
and smash to the ground; it's bad enough she has no map.

"disappear," she hears softly in her left ear,
"go home," she hear in her right.

go home to your fancy car
and your multi-colored balloons and the shadow
on the wall of a man you invented because the real one left you.

hold his imaginary hand and drift away
hold it till it fades and you are left holding the belt
you were whacked with as a child.

then maybe you will leap out of my brain
and into the real world, full of strength and know how.

arrow

2010-10-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

it depends on its sharpness, how long it is, its trajectory

what angle it pierces my soul before I love again.

rain

2010-10-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

The rain, it whispers my name under its breath.
It sends shivers up my spine and makes it all too real.

I sometimes forget the pain exists
and sometimes I even think that it's my imagination,
like the polka-dot bear that danced on my fifth birthday
and sang so loudly he was hoarse at the end.

But the rain. Dirty and offensive, sticking onto my fair skin
and when I try to scrape it off, I scrape pieces of my soul.

I walk in agony, not because of disease.
My heart black, my lungs shriveled.
No, not because of disease.
Blaming disease would be too easy.

Piercing the rain with my saucer-shaped, dagger eyes,
searching for what might had been.
My back,
my arms,
my legs, reminders
I was once human for just a split second.

Remember?

T'was the first time I felt your lips on mine
just before the rains came and the wine possessed me,
stomping me to the ground, tearing me limb from limb.

love

2010-09-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

love hides under the basement stairs,

waiting to pounce on a weary me.

doesn't know that I'm tired and I avoid it like the plague.

but if surprised i've no choice but to fall into its clutches

like a frightened child, poked and prodded

till I drowned in a sea of my own tears.

wind

2010-09-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

the wind denies

doing terrible things

you whistle and walk

through its chaos.

you without a care,

dance

to its rhythm

knowing fully

that if I turned my back,

it would crack me

upside the head with a baseball bat.

souls

2010-09-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

brothers once tip-toed, reaching high into the sky;

souls with in and with out until angry blows

drew blood and reduced them to dust.

then...

the gates swung open, the anxious angels overhead;

they would help poor St. Peter welcome the confused souls,
for they had questions their welcome packets had no answers to.

interrupting the flow

2010-08-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

mixed feelings, syncopated rhythms of the heart

bouncing discouragingly onto a sheet of white paper

to be read by a priest at mass full of delicate scorn in a

bright red robe, swearing as he walks to and fro,

biting his tongue hard to taste the blood of the Christ, watching

as the parishioners fly into bits of rage, tormented to no end.

no end, no end

the damage done, the holes in the skin, deep

like the oil stained oceans. the syncopated rhythms

coursing through the boulevard until nestled into

the small of the priest's back, sending chills, thrills

Wordsworth's daffodils growing abnormally tall,

touching the sky, bringing word that the sun is okay,

He's just quietly listening to the war raging in the heart of man,

flawed by his ability to say nothing but the vilest of the vile.

number

2010-08-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

someday, i will gain the confidence

to accept my shortcomings

and grow, grow, grow

both spiritually and mentally,

in stature and strong, oh so strong

like the Schwarzenegger of the '80s

so that i can climb to the highest of mountains

and scream from the top of my lungs

I am more than just a number!

i am more than just a number!

abuse

2010-08-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

spin, spin

wiggle, wiggle

tear your hair out, scream.

your eyes like saucers

troubling?

breathe, breathe, breathe

spit, split lip

blood and violins
square like dance, sore.

raw, spanked

less than zero, nothing

gasp, gasp

hammer!

whimper, moan.

elements

2010-08-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

love in the rain

softens the grass

head on a pillow of leaves,

rough like a patch.

wind in the Poconos

wrestles with my hat

torn by the need

to wrestle with it back.

sun in the sky

mocks my pale skin

decides to paint brown spots

much to my chagrin.

moon up above

knows nothing but the dark

makes funny faces

when it's not looked at.

need

2010-07-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

during lunch the other day,

I felt the need to tell you

that food bits were missing your mouth

and were dangling from your long white beard.

I resisted the urge.

maybe next time you will feel the need to tell me

that spinach was stuck between my two front teeth before

my big date with the Olsen Twins.

giant

2010-06-27T01:26:00.000-07:00

woke up this morning

had the strangest dream

dreamt I was a giant knocking down

all the forest trees.

making footprints as I went along

skipping to my favorite song.

last night, I was all alone

today I figured to be as well.

doesn’t anybody hear my desperate pleas

dry my eyes and fall back to sleep.

had another dream

I was a giant in need

had a splinter in my hand the size of a branch.

crying buckets of tears, I went to you,

I went to you and you ran away.

sitting alone with my beer in hand

thinking of you as my blood boils

“wasn’t all that bad,” I forced myself to say

“just close your eyes,” it’s like riding a wave.

beginnings...

2010-06-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

a cradle in the middle of a

dank Brooklyn basement where

the roaches crawl in your ears

if you're not fast enough.

a child without knowing, wrapped in cellophane;

not a blanket to be found to keep him safe

from the war, the disease, the famine.

he will know all these things

once the TV's turned on and the radio's turned up

and the mother speaks her mind to the father.

soon the boy outgrows the cradle

and reaches for currency to buy shoes, socks and jeans

and perhaps a joint; the cellophane falls off and

out comes a quasi-man, with more opinions that'll

fill a wet paper bag stuck on the hot summer pavement.

thinking, knowing he knows it all and

perhaps he does. unfortunately the world turns

too fast for him to hold on to so he floats,

floats in the wind, desperately

looking for someone to hold onto:

f(r)iends.

muddy little mind

2010-06-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning, sunlight on my face.
I slow down in the evening, waiting for your loving grace.

I’m quite prepared to tell you,
how much I love you.

but my tongue gets tied and the right words hide,
in my muddy little mind.

dream II

2010-06-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

through my mind, dreams wander about on rainy nights,
they make me mad, make me sad, or scare me to death.

Sometimes I float on an ocean of lemonade,
wash onto a beach of marbles instead sand. I try to walk,
I fail and fall, I think it's best if I just crawled into a
forest filled with ferocious multi-colored gummi bears.

on summer nights, they settle in my tired mind
convince me love is just a shoe phone call away.
or make me sit home alone beside my friend, a dinosaur
who has a vocabulary bigger than mine or yours.

Or sometimes I'm running frantically
with no idea what it is I'm running from.
And often times I suddenly can't move, and what
I'm running from reveals himself to be Mr. Magoo.

soul

2010-06-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

all was lost so I reached into my sack.
I took out the brightest of the brightest of lights, my second soul.
I always carried another one in case I lost the one I kept in my heart.

but oh no! something was different.
it did not illuminate as brightly as it should!
I shook it hard but it was no use. this won't do, I said to myself.

I had no choice...
I plugged it in and carried on, trying to pretend all was well
and slowly forgetting what it was that cost me my first soul.

morning

2010-05-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

waking up doesn't feel so magical anymore;
it feels downright criminal with all its stretching
and bone cracking, and the crusty, swollen-shut eyes.

doesn't mean it'll be a bad day though,
just means I have some major clean up to do
I'll use a heavy duty car wash brush, scrub behind
the ears and mustn't forget the bum. No, not the bum...

or maybe not go through all the trouble;
I'll leave it to the imagination as to how I look
and stink and feel to the masses who believe
I can be described by one single letter of the alphabet.

dream

2010-05-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

stardust in the night
brings me to a stand still, full of light
a rainbow of warmness, shining credulousness in my eyes.

peeking from behind a curtain, on life's stage
I see His hand and in His hand, a kaleidoscope; so afraid, I am
because I can't see beyond my mind's eye; splintered from the true One.

the One that begs forgiveness for leaving the milk
out of the fridge on a hot summer day. I speculate that
it was done on purpose, with full malice, and genuine hate, but still...

I dance carefully on a tightrope, a pirouette I dare make
as You stare into the night sky, watching me.

I glide from the midnight sky, effortlessly
into Your sweet arms to sleep peacefully till the end of my days.

deli man

2010-05-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

of the diamonds I've dug out from dirt
in chinatown shops, yours by far meant the least of all.

it took six months and a day
to dig up the gold to trade, but it was worth it.
it was by far the shortest engagement and the longest bar tale I could ever hope for.

never saw it coming, you and the deli man. You both, walking, giggling about,
no doubt making fun of the fool with the dirt on his face and the
bruised fingers and the empty shot glass in front of him.

I can't believe I ate sandwiches from the hands
of your deli lover. and they tasted good!

I should had realized much sooner that it was more important
to have a good deli man than a girlfriend with a penchant for
creating charred remnants of what would had been my bloody dinner.

live and learn, live and learn...

trip

2010-05-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

on a street corner, smoking
cigarettes and jamming corn beef up my nose to mask the odor.

waiting, waiting...

lie to me, please so I can make it truth;
I'm a natural sadist that sings the blues so I'll offend you, I'm sure.
not that it's our problem, but it's getting crazy out there, so much so
that I can't make stew using goat's urine in a Rockefeller Center
fountain without getting tasered.

So I...

packed LIGHT for a flight,
not on a plane (so 20th Century, don't you THINK),
but on the back of an angel that cursed air travel
just as much as I did, making me feel oh so right at home...

all the way, cursing up a storm (THUNDER CRACK!)
each time a cloud got in our way or a bird chirped a melody
in his face while I hung on for life; so dear, this life that I
poked holes into those pop, pop, pop packing bubble wrap thingies every chance I got.

sensitive (or an inanimate object's best friend)

2010-05-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

am I too sensitive?

each time I pass an inanimate object in a
garbage can, I give it a name and a personality
and a sense of worth, so much so that I weep for its discarding.

I give it a beginning at the factory
being handled by sensitive, hardworking hands.
I give it a middle, its purchase, its owner's glee at owning it
and it's end, the sad owner walking it to the trash and tossing it in.

I imagine it peeking out from under the trash can
when the owner arrives with a slick new one and the
new one, smug and shiny winking at the old one from
a crack in the box, "Yeah, old toaster. It's my time now."

am I too sensitive or just in need of some serious medical attention?

my hometown & the bull's eye on its back

2010-05-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I was
fearful of being mugged or worse.
it has become more evident in recent years
that the worse is far, far worse than I'd imagined.

the bull's eye on my hometown's back
makes me weary and proud all the while
conscious of the darkness lurking among us.

the sinister we believe to be of a certain
color or ethnicity blinds us to the fact that
evil can be anywhere and everywhere.

it takes a teaching or even an event
to turn light into darkness, good into bad,
a fully functioning brain into mush; were it not
for being in the right place at the right time, I would be dead.

but for those dead and maimed by the
evil cowards that only show themselves when being led
by the law to their cells or hanging from the rafters by the noose,
I say your losses will not be in vain.

rosemary

2010-04-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

standing on a corner
in a nowhere part of town.

thinking about you and your lover
while the rain's pelting me into a frown.

I could think of no other way
to spend my Saturday afternoons.

I hope that things are going well
while the rain makes me look like a prune.

dancing silhouettes

2010-04-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

dancing silhouettes
in the hot sticky sun;
don't waste a minute
to allow the beat to catch on.

the silence rings loudly,
a putrid sound of its own accord
then floats onto the heads of their disheveled shapes

cradling themselves in soft melodic undertones, slowing moving
until the maestro declares it oh, so magical.

stupid things

2010-04-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Though the fire in your heart
burns only for me, it is my nature
to extinguish it with the stupid things
I say or the stupid things I do.

Or maybe your heart burns because
of the burrito you ate last night. If so,
the stupid things I say or do are providing
a service no antacid could ever do.

about you

2010-04-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

At the topper, most poppermost
now I'm crawling out of doo; don't want to hesitate
and let the big flies fly off with the screaming me
like that little dog and the flying monkeys.

or worse, the maggots finding holes to snuggle into
and live in blisssssss while I go about my businessssss
until they shoot out of my ears during a meal
in a fancy fast food restaurant.

I'd rush to corral them before you saw them and
shove them back without fusssss, without huff,
without embarrassing the precious you.

three things I've learned from crawling from doo:
1. swat the flies
2. cover the holes
3. it's all about you.

it's about you, isn't it?

sleeping rough

2010-03-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

sleep walking through a rickety town
rubbed my belly, empty
yet I'm happy to be around.

I'm not a man,
I'm an incredible facsimile;
but I have no doubt that I could play one on TV.

I've no excuses for painting
this town yellow; it's my favorite color,
I'm a coward and I'm not to play with others

so I put my hand through my white, thinning curly hair
alone, I dance to sad music playing from my devil's lair.

I used to be a piece of the background,
but now I'm part of a dream you wish you hadn't dreamed,
I could only be a beggar, you see; my palms are dirty
from all the shit-shoveling for government cheese.

saying things

2010-02-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

One night before going to bed, I thought,
"What would be the last things I would say, should I never see you again."

And they would likely be, "I could had been a better person,
I could had shared the other half of that sandwich and
I never thought those were real."

You'd probably think me odd for saying these things, but I would not mind.
Being that it is the last time I would see you, it would behoove you to say some things too.

I bet you would say, "You stupid ass! Why didn't you share that sandwich?
Why didn't you rock my world? I got THESE for you!"

You'd give me that angry look, the same one you gave me when I dropped the wine on the persian rug and smack me about the head until the cartoon canaries chirped around.

desire

2010-01-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

simple, decaying
my night tremors increase,
oh, the pain! I feel like a drowning animal.

saccharine, poser
synchronicity, too bleak
I must find a way to go on without you.

devastated by lust
to describe it, too much
I yearn for you, but I'm force fed a bowl of defeat.

the messiah at the cockatoo

2010-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

so the yellow Cockatoo sang
my praises, dancing and singing
as it does each time a fool walks in.

this day was different. I created a ruckus
when I wore a shirt of a poor shade of pink to
the tavern. the sneers and jeer, the looks of disgust
that encouraged me to look back with my own look of disgust.

BLAH!

I could sense that this was not my day due
to the gray bow of rain overhead and the diss-
guise worn by a messiah who preached
materialism over being a conscientious deserter.

No. I could not keep quiet.
I stuck my nose far into his face
and struck an A minor chord so hard,
I thought an orchestra had walked into the room.

that's not to say it didn't. once the Cockatoo
raised his wings to signal defeat, I knew that the
music I heard was from the loud BANG! his body
made when it hit the sticky bar room floor.

take that, you loud-mouthed messiah! Next time you won't
be so cocky with THIS particular fashion reject!

we are one

2010-01-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

if you would take the time
to read my mind, you'd know that
all that we are, and all that will
remain are neatly wrapped in time.

like tiny pigs in a blanket, or a rose tucked
away in a dead garden where it hides itself
from being given to the likes of you.

or the tribe that's only link to civilization
is a moldy dead cell phone, or a dog's third leg
wrapped in cellophane just for fun.

get a wet towel, wrap it around your head
and read my mind just this once to know we are one

kiss

2010-01-15T14:41:00.001-08:00

I was thinking the other day how we walked
on that beach; the one I can't remember the name.
Towards the water we went, because it was there.

And once we reached the edge, I held you
close to me and I was afraid the wind would
blow us away unless I kissed you.

So I did and it was wet and I withdrew, bitterly
because I thought it was what you expected.
Seething pain and outrage that you would expect
such a thing, but your eyes insisted so I did what I was told.

Once you were sufficiently embarrassed, you slapped me for my insolence
and called me names that no goddess would admit to ever doing.
But you did and we stood there on the beach to everyone's lament
looking down on us as if we were the lowest of the low.

12 January 2010

2010-01-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

r u m b l e,
silence, chaos
h o p e

winter

2010-01-08T18:37:00.001-08:00

snow, bound
delicately deviant.

ego

2010-01-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

hypnotized, sanctified
worshiped and became the One.

desecrated whenever possible,
baited the ones he loved.

death-defied, mesmerized,
opined and stuck to his guns.

set all his cards out on the table,
then boasted he was a cut above.

talk

2010-01-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

half of what I say ends up
strewn across the floor,
making me feel like my life's fading into denial.

exhausted by the other half of what I have to say,
I feel dismayed, can not relate, can not be late,
with deciding and then a…

C R A S H !!!

marred by the violence
that befalls the delicate flower,
through battering, howling winds,
the coldness of the late hour.

She still finds time to give me shelter
but I deny I ever needed it, so I lie
and make it known that I’ve insulted her.

I manage a futile smile
and grow weary from the miles
traveled each day to share half of what I say.

is it the half that's strewn about?
or the half that tires me so?
I dont know, you tell me…

I carry on...

jagged soul

2010-01-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

look at yourself in the mirror,
you'll find a piece of my jagged soul.

it might scare at first,
but you're over it soon enough.

it does surprise though, my soul in disarray,
not know what to say, on a rainy day as we run through the streets
of New York town, praying for the sun to peek through a cloud curtain.

though your promises are neat stacks
of beer cans I throw rocks at each time you look away,
look into my eyes and assure me that my mind's not playing tricks.

that you love me though the cuts and bruises
my jagged soul leaves behind wear on your precious heart.

ramble

2009-12-29T12:58:00.001-08:00

bound to a tree trunk, I always get loose.
talk out of the right side of my mouth,
turn blue when I do.

the resurrected always bug me
'cause they're 'round here times two.

It's one more than I'm allowed
and I'm not amused.

garden of words

2009-12-23T20:21:00.001-08:00

aging poet
in the garden of words,
in the worse way, praying for a prelude.

words to fill his paper, where are they?
his pencil so small, he like a giant
looks around and doodles about, doodles about...

where, when, where
how ... HOW does it all turn out?
how was it done the last time and the
time before that? all lost, but for the
triumph at the poem's finished line.

huff, puff...blown from the garden
and into a world of slang bang, thank you, ma'am
takes a silhouette and dances into
a complete sentence with a BIG EXCLAMATION POINT,

then rides off into the sunset
on the back of a buck wild adjective.

love is gone

2009-12-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

I toss and turn at night I thought, in fear
to dream you'd taken off and ran from here.

but your love's already gone;
I toss and turn to find what'll bring back your love.

walk

2009-12-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

And I walked through the city streets
for hours and learned that I was all alone.
Tired of the same old song at home and the same
old dance at work. Tired of the mundane tasks
that begin each day and end each night
with a broken heart and a tattered mind.

And I tried to make sense of it all,
to remember when the panic set in,
but I couldn't. It seemed to always be
there between the smiles and the tears
and the laughter and screams.

And I kept walking till my feet were raw
and the blood seeped through my socks
and into my shoes and I looked up
to the heavens and said...

Ray-ku II

2009-12-16T06:09:00.001-08:00

through a frosty window pane/
came to my senses/bitter, rejected.

misfit toys - an editorial

2009-12-12T17:05:00.001-08:00

I often lie in bed at night
and wonder what it would be like
to have the toys on the land of misfit toys,
escape and terrorize us.

I don't think it would be
funny to be assaulted by an armless doll
or a three-wheeled truck or a
mutant red-nosed deer and his elf-dentist enforcer.

Do you?
I didn't think so...

what's your opinion?
we'd like to know.

beggar poet

2009-12-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

beggar poet leans forward and whispers,

"brother, can you spare a predicate?"

walrus

2009-12-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

john, it's been 29 years since

you fell at the hands of a devil;

it feels like yesterday.

cut down while full of life,

ready to seize the world

with your new songs.

I imagined you and I walking down the street,

you in your Liverpudlian wit and me in

my New York walk and my New York talk.

or resting on a park bench,

watching the wheels or baking bread

while talking peace, if I wanted it.

damn mourning your loss

because you're still here;

on t-shirts, on the radio and TV.

and your songs still breathe!

not a day goes by that I

don't hear you sing,

"you may say I'm a dreamer..."

"all we are saying..."

you said, "life is what happens to you

while you're busy making other plans"

and off you went...

Ray-ku I

2009-11-27T21:45:00.000-08:00

On a beach, in comes the tide.
Ocean thru my feet; cold, just like existence.

angels in love

2009-11-26T14:12:00.000-08:00

wings have grown

on my back and I

soar with a halo over my head.

my bow, my arrow at my side

protect you from all things

that are done or said.

I command an army of angels

on the border of heaven and hell.

but you have stirred something

special in me and I can not break your spell.

what to say

2009-11-26T13:53:00.000-08:00

you can make a single day

turn out to be a good one

if you just knew what to say.

but then comes that single day

and you find that what it is you'd say

is wrong and you have to start again.

you fall into a trap

it makes you feel like crap,

but you carry your cross, you persevere.

someday you'll find the words to say

that'll make your day a good one and

you'll sit there with a smile from ear to ear.

a letter to jack

2009-11-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Dearest Jack,

I can not explain

why I hate you so,

I can only say that I do.

Clearly you've seen this hatred.

It is the basketball-size tumor

growing on the side of my head.

No?

Well, here!

On the right side. Feel it!

It pulsates, doesn't it?

One more minute spent in

your annoying company

will only result in my brain matter

exploding onto the walls.

4-3-2-1...

Now is that how you want to spend your holidays?

a longing for sarah

2009-11-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

I hopped, skipped, jumped into your arms

like a puppy frightened during a storm.

like the plague, you dismissed me

with a shot of love.

I can not get over you;

your smile, your grace,

the way you made that face.

like a well-oiled racer,

I'd be all over you

...should you ever return.

big city

2009-11-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

big city living's gone and
cut me down to shreds.

big city lovin's got done
breakin' my heart again.

if it wasn't for the good book
I'd be smokin' herb,

shooting dust, whistling dixie
while my insides go a- burnin'.

cold

2009-11-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

tis cold outside
and me without my cap.
I long for the warmth of my Arizona lass,
for the dawn of winter's wrath is in my bones.

green milk

2009-11-23T06:25:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to

get it through

my head that

green milk is bad

for my tummy.

Yet the green shade makes

me curious each time

and each time

it tastes slightly different,

but my tummy reacts in

much the same way.

It spins and I hurl

a small mountain of

chunks into my toilet

and each time I shout,

"No more green milk for me!"

"The damn thing is nasty."

glenn beck

2009-11-22T17:35:00.000-08:00

you've got this way you talk

that gets me on my nerves.

the more you ramble,

the more I want to rip my ears off.

you talk of God and Son

and the love for them, you justify

by taking those who disagree with you

and having them crucified.

you swagger down the street

with the suspicion that everyone is wrong.

and you're right, they're wrong

I know, because you've said so.

I see you down the street

like a pimp parading his whores.

with a feather in your cap

that you won from killing

a slew of your dissenters.

why am I not surprised

that you have a following.

The dumber your words

the more your disciples praise you.

selfish ways

2009-11-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

ragtag mother's

always messin' with me

looks for me 24 hours

and as far as his eyes can see.

dance, dance, dance

till the bullets fly...

wipe this smile off my face

or risk losing an eye...

oh, never mind I'll take

your eye out anyway.

it'll go well with my

me, me, me selfish ways.

rita

2009-11-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

rita's gone away

done in by my smile, my grace,

my upper body strength.

I miss her, but it's for the best.

I came with enough baggage to fill

the belly of an airplane.

now I can't move

to the beat of my own drum;

can't sing with this noose

around my neck.

can't smile through

the tears that flow inside my soul.

because now I'm all alone.

rosael rodriguez

2009-11-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

Rain, snow, wind

playing tricks on me.

your death looming,

like the eye of a hurricane.

can't see beyond you lying there,

in a pool of blood, from years of

neglect and abuse.

I hear your shallow breath,

and your voice telling me,

"don't do this, don't do that."

I hear myself dismissing you,

"you don't know anything. leave me alone."

yes, here we are

blood stained sheets,

beeps, beeps and white walls,

all alone, but for the voices in my head.

trying to find meaning,

the one true meaning of the moment

but I can't get over your hallucinations;

the black dog under your bed, your frantic cries for help.

and now I say underneath my breath what

I hadn't said since I was a child,

"I love you and I will miss you."

real love

2009-11-07T16:01:00.000-08:00

nothing says I love you

like a slap in the face.

so here's my face,

tell me you love me.

bitter

2009-10-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

I saw you
just the other day
with your eyes wide shut
in a hurricane.

and they thought I'd be
the one that'd be saving you.

well they were wrong, weren't they?

just like that time you decided
I didn't need a heart and you jabbed
your sharp words in, leaving me in a
pool of confusion and despair.

maybe it's time you flex your
desperation muscles a bit,
just enough to admit you erred
leaving me for that fool.

the trip

2009-10-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

keep your hands on the wheel

and drive me to our destination.

keep your eyes on the road

and stop looking for my wretched soul.

if I would had known you'd be looking for

salvation, I wouldn't have asked you along.

while driving us to wherever,

I'd break into a folksy song.

I'd sing your praises, but you know

you didn't deserve them at all.

my voice crackin', my eyes rollin' back

into my head, kissin' the ass of

your family heritage.

I saw the sign up ahead

we'd soon be in some ol' dusty town.

we looked at each other and broke

into simultaneous frowns.

you decided right then and there

you'd give up legs for some wings.

you soared over my head

while all the while screaming obscenities.

plain 'ol me

2009-10-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

something

tells me I should

look elsewhere for love.

looking for it

in a hole full of devil's dust

isn't the best place to look.

though when I look

for it in coffee shops and

bookstores, I find broken hearts

and tears. silent tears,

but I hear them.

or are they looking into

my eyes and seeing me...

teetering between love and hate,

light and darkness or just me being

plain ol' me?

and being plain ol' me scares me too!

not that I'm not used to it by now.

bones

2009-10-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

I was walking down the street
and saw a dead man's bones.

I poked them with a stick and found
they were my own.

I shrieked and wondered
if I was on The Twilight Zone

Keep walking, fella,
find someone else's bones.

wasted

2009-10-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

on a highway full of
dead bodies and debris
left over from the time I drank
before going home.

all a blur,
when I reached for the phone

and dialed my ex-lover.

I cried out...

...hoping for salvation,
but that's for crackpots in alleys
who invoke god and country
before sanity sets in.

Not me...

I float in and out of consciousness
Feeling the burn of the needle in my vein.
I howl with laughter and scream,

"You sons of bitches!"
"You can't punish this body more than I have!"

The Length of a Divine Blink

2009-10-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Down by the river
in a town called No Where,
I paused for the length of a divine blink.

I heard music playing
it was racing in my head.
others heard it too,
so my sanity did not flee.

I lived on the edge
of a world without love.
A world with despair, a world with no conscience.
I search for the answers; it's why I'm here.

I sit with the bottle,
cry to exhaustion
I can think no more; I bleed.

though I know not where I am
I know where I'm going;
he points me where he thinks I should go.

my mind wanes, my body lifeless
I fight to stay, I don't know why.
Is it hope I feel or my fervent need to know?
it doesn't matter; it's too late for me.

my bitterness is strong,
my will to live deserts me.
"Become one with the river, become one with No Where."
I paused for the length of a divine blink,

and I hurt no more.

auto-destruct sequence

2009-10-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

a dozen shots of whiskey
and my mind explodes.

blood comes from my nostrils
and the lights go low.

I take a handful of quaaludes
so my body won't blow.

then I jump into my car and hit the road.

sometimes

2009-10-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

you don't have to be a bartender

to serve a tall glass of common sense.

I've been thinking the same thing

about the doctor who gave me my death sentence.

sometimes, I feel devilish

sometimes, I feel Christian-y

sometimes, I feel other things

that fill me up with insanity.

sometimes, I feel dangerous

sometimes, I feel glee

sometimes, I feel like cracking

the skull of the man sitting next to me.

you don't have to be in construction

to pave a road to divinity.

I've been thinking the same thing

about the priest that gives me the creeps.

sometimes, I'm the key

sometimes, I'm the lock

sometimes, I'm the door that if

the magic word's right, I open up.

sometimes, it's the neighbor

sometimes, it's out in the street

a lot of times it's my imagination,

getting the best of me.

Precious

2009-10-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

my name was Cathy,
I was nine years old.
I was found in an alley,
rotting to the bone.

police named me Precious
'cause they didn't know my real name.
mom left me by the waste side
that's when the system came in.

I was cold and dirty
in a shelter in Mississippi.
begged for candy each day,
like an old man on a cruel mission.

the other kids found other ways
to get candy, but not me.
I just couldn't see myself doing
what they did with their bodies.

we were little birds,
flapping our wings, wild and free
playing, fighting, and
rolling in piles of leaves.

one day I strayed from the others
the man came down on me like a flash

I don't remember much of what happened,

but I prayed for it not to last.

now I'm in heaven
a real angel with real wings!
and I'm not Cathy anymore,
I'm Precious for eternity!

Down the Street

2009-10-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

down the street

there's an old man sweeping

all the bad memories that have come between,

his dreams and reality that time has passed.

it's terrifying him.

caretaker of a store that sells undesirables.

old trinkets that wow the kids.

things that the old say, "I remember that when I was young."

but they don't buy any of the things down the street.

the economy's been bad for a long time

much longer than what they allow you to believe.

that big store that they opened a little while ago,

has made the old store obsolete.

somehow, the old man chugs along

just like his dad did, and grand dad did before him.

through wars and the depression that crippled their hearts.

and now this recession threatens to break his.

Great Jones Way

2009-10-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

well, the buildings all look

like great, big monoliths,

as I walk through the city that doesn't sleep

and the angels that follow me all over

can smell the decay I have beneath.

my clothes are torn and dirty

when the police ask me who I really am.

I can moan and motion, but they want answers

before they let me down Great Jones Way.

the rainbow man sells me a raincoat,

on my way to Washington Square.

I'll wear it on the sunniest of days, though.

why waste such a coat on what the rainbow man says?

when I get to the park, I hear Diamond Joe

playing guitar and slinging his way.

he makes it very difficult to follow him

'cause he has a beaten dog tied to his leg.

I look to the heavens and see Michael.

wounded soldier, as he's mocked by demagoguery.

makes me cry and think of how I've been defeated,

by the very thing that keeps Michael at bay.

well, some people worship the devil.

I worship a bottle of whiskey.

some people pray to their version of the almighty,

but I choose incapacity.

I keep going and resist the temptation,

to sing a song with the bastard with the horns and tail.

I keep drinking my Jim Beam and Heineken

while being denied entry down Great Jones Way.

Deluge

2009-09-29T03:51:00.000-07:00

rain drops come down,
through the deluge comes
a man, down and out who looks a lot like me.

trudging through the muck
as I collects my thoughts and wonder
how it all came to pass and how it's come to be.

I believe

but no one wants to know
what I think; they're more concerned about
their good looks and their bubble gum music.

the faceless come and go, muttering
how much better they are and how
they'll put me in my place someday

just like she did, when I hung my heart
out there for her to chomp on

but I keep loving

not as violently
as the last time
when I was beaten and bloodied

when I could hardly remember
the name of my best friend's wife.

Untitled

2009-09-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

BANG!
fire rained down from the sky
and people walked with umbrellas, shielding themselves from

the judgment that had been thrust upon them.
I waited in bed for it to stop, but it would not.
I had no choice but to confront it, lest be relegated to

bed, hiding under the covers.
I pray for salvation while all along,
cursing the gods and their lightning bolts.

Monday
I saw a young girl with a dog,
scolding it for eating from her flower bed
The fire's gone...only my grandma remained.

Now why am I still here?
Someone said it was because I smiled a certain way.
Or was it because I complained a lot?
I get those mixed up for some reason.

BANG!

Tuesday
The little girl's ashes are on the ground, the dog
sniffing at them, licking at them.

Read in the paper this wouldn't be my day,
someone named Rodney took claim to it because I
missed the auction.

"Woman scorned," on page 11
Kept reading it out loud till I fully understood that
this was no ordinary woman, but a life sized
wax figure of a maid, held to higher standards.

Standards that only a flower bed-eating dog could meet.

Boy, do I need to get out more.
These bed sores are killing me.

Nobody

2009-09-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

I saw you today

and I got a little scared.

I don't belong in your arms

by your side, in your bed, looking in your eyes.

And I know these things, because

I looked in the mirror

and I saw a nobody.

Hurt

2009-09-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've had enough of your insinuations.

I've had enough of your unreasonable needs.

I'm getting old listening to your belly aching.

Can't help but wonder when it'll be time for you to leave.

I've talked enough to you to know your reputation.

I've walked as far as my feet can take me.

I went through great lengths to protect you from indignation.

Can't help but wonder when your death would come to be.

I'm terrified when you talk about the future.

I'm heading as far as I can so you can't track me.

I'd rather be alone than be trapped in condemnation.

You're in denial that you're lost to those who see.

Here I Am

2009-09-14T19:55:00.001-07:00

Here I am
Sharing thoughts I'd normally not share
Doing things I once reserved for others
I'm feeling lost inside this paper cup.

Feeling lonelier than I've ever felt.
But I can smile through it all.
Paint a rosy picture with the blood
From my bleeding heart.

Here's to fleeing happiness
I'm used to waving bye
As it runs away.

love protest

2009-08-25T18:51:00.001-07:00

hate is spewing
from the Garden of Eden
feeling pain since I heard the news

tryin' to scrub off the splatter of hatred
but I find it's hard to do

I can't understand the situation
I don't know where it's coming from.

all they wanna do is love somebody
but the State makes it hard
for them to do so.

not enough to forbid persecution
not enough to march in their own parade...
don't ask, don't tell, but die for your country
while denying who you are and how you play.

a million tears fallin
desperate situation
their hatred fuels the energy
to fight them all.

summon the ghosts of long gone protesters
who fought for the right
to simply walk down the road.

sing for justice, put away your frustrations.
never fail to get a good thing done.
cradle the cause even if it takes forever
or until it's ripe and ready for law.

autumn bliss

2009-08-25T17:48:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't lie if you had time?
You'd sugarcoat the truth.
If it served you right, no doubt you would.

Maybe you could change,
and I would too.
Making it easier to abandon you.

I reminisce of autumn bliss
But now it's winter,
it's harsh and evil to the core.

The wind shatters my fragile soul.

I hid in your arms for warmth,
but now I run into the tentacles of
a freezing rain.

The cold's become my only friend
Since I lost my way.

Hitchin' My Wagon To A Star

2009-07-30T11:46:00.001-07:00

Time keeps moving,
but there's nothin' really going on.

Twenty-four hours to revolution
My arms are gettin' tired from holdin' on.

I've been in and out and feelin' down.
My temper's flaring cuz the bitch left town.

She made it clear that she won't take no more.
It's time I warmed up to bein' a beaten ol' dog.

Woke up in a stupor
dreamt I was fallin' from a tall skyscraper.

After I pushed things to the edge,
during one of my many capers.

It's getting hotter than I thought it would.
My drug's have failed to make my body good.

It's time I thought of ditchin' who I am...
Hitch my wagon to a star and start again.

Desperation settling in
like the chaos of a ton of bricks fallin'.

Lookin' into the faces of strangers
They say my presence can be both
troublin' and reassurin'.

I've been sliced in half by lies and innuendo
Torn to shreds, unrecognizable by even the worst of standards.

Thought of changin' my ways
But it takes so long....

Hitchin my wagon to a star and travelin' on.

Love Story

2009-07-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

Caught between a bed of lies
And the loneliness that I despise
I hold her in my arms and think of you.

Desperation settlin' in
Tonight could be the night I
Let loose a barrage of hatred
upon her.

Feel trapped beneath a rock under a levee
My legs immoble and my head's too heavy
To even think of what the right thing is to do.

So I meander about
to be with or without
Is a question I've search the world for an answer to.

tonight

2009-07-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

tonight
tonight
tonight, everything's gonna be alright

it's just the rain
comin' down
makin' you feel like I shouldn't be around.

alisha for a minute

2009-07-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

Just after midnight
Where I often go
I sat next to Alisha for a minute.

Her smile caught my eye
As she spoke to the keep
When she noticed me, I saw her roll her eyes.

I smiled at her,
Trying to grab her attention.
When she noticed,
I quickly stared down at my beer.

All the things I wanted to say
Would be drowned out by my sad song.
I suspect she’d have nothing to say.
I had no idea what I wanted to hear.

As we sat there in silence
My mind searched for what to say.
What words would make her fall in my arms?

I stared down at my beer
For an eternity, it seemed
Then I noticed that her true love had arrived.

Tall, tanned, beautifully groomed
Better than me, by leaps.
He spoke all the right things and she hung on every word.
I hung my head, disgusted at what I had become.

I looked up and saw them as they walked away
She turned back to grab a last look.
A small smile on her face? A hope for me, maybe?
No, it was pity. It was written all over her face.

Emelie

2009-06-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

I see that you are
lonely and confused.

You wanna do the right thing
And that's hard for you.

You wanna take a short cut
But that's not how you find the truth.

Wanna take the path with the least heartache?
It's not here, babe...Try another road.

At least you're conscious when the pain dissolves.
Or evolves? Somehow I've loss track of what it does.

The world doesn't take kindly to our kind
But that's fine -

We'll spiral towards the unknown
Being careful we don't spill our drinks

along the way.

I Think of You

2009-05-27T06:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's what your mind makes it out to be
And it's not necessarily true.

And it breaks your heart
when it fades into the night
the very thing you longed for all your life.

No one knows the pain
of loss, more than I

No one knows the taste
of bitter tears, except me.

Once the hurt subsides
I will make strides
to be whole again...mind and soul.

Desperation, my sanctuary
The darkness, my friend
Drowning in a sea of putrid acid
I think of you...always.

Smiling outside, but at war within
Always will be yours
I think of you...always.

And the world will be a better place once the bitter tears subside,
when I'm saved at sea and I turn against the darkness

To be with you...
to be whole again...mind and soul.

Walking Without Her

2009-05-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

As I walked in the park last night,
I couldn’t figure out what to do.

I walked in circles
Tripped on my two-left feet
And I couldn’t get my mind off of you.

See, you seem to know
Which way to go and just how much time
we have.

Last night I got lost
And I just found my way.
I’m sure things will never be the same.

So here I am
With a workload to my head
And the boss breathing fire down my neck.

I would have been all right
if you were there to see
to our prompt arrival and my stupidity.

A Drunkard's Tale

2009-05-26T00:15:00.000-07:00

Just got home;
Got nothing to say
All a blur;
Just another day

Goin’ to bed, after a long, long trip.
Gonna wake up soon,
to start it all over again.

Awake! I struggle...
Made some coffee, unfazed.

Seems I lost an eye
In a barroom fight

Found it in the pocket
Of my urine stained pants.

Not gonna see so good today
Maybe for the best…

You're No Good To Me Dead

2009-05-25T23:34:00.000-07:00

She said, “You’re no good to me dead.”
Told me I had to leave.

She said, “Baby, you’re killing yourself in front of me.
And I can’t go on like this.”

So I left and traveled
Far and wide
Slept under moonlit skies

Thinking of the children
I left behind
And the woman that tore me apart.

She said, “you’re no good to me dead.”
And I grieve.

Re-(Collect)

2009-05-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Born many years ago
In a part of New York they call
East Harlem.

As long as I've known
I've had this song I sung alone
And it has never faded away.

Many things have changed
Since I've been gone

Familiar faces, aged by dismay

Children play amongst the gun shot victims
That lay fallen by the deadly drug trade.

I now share my song with others
They sing this song before they go anywhere.
The song comes alive
Rejecting all that is despised

It isn't easy
But it knows just what to do.

Red-bricked playground
Amongst the ruins; stands desolate
It breeds disease.

In the distance, the queen is weeping
Touched by the sadness we carry to this day.

Her head in her hands, heart broken and damned.
Terrified our song will fade away

Had our scrapes with the reaper
Unconscious, but full of rage
Danced in the twilight
Making love with a parasite

Who stole the souls of her victims
And ate them as if they were her prey.

Pretty angel
With your wings disheveled.
Soar into the hearts of those you've left behind.

Pray for salvation and understanding
And maybe someone will give a care.

An Empty Bar

2009-05-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

an empty bar
my lady singin'
Im sittin' here
weary of bein'...

alone and half dead,
a state of unknown.

I don't recall
being so deaf, blind and dumb,

but here I am
all washed up,
listenin' to all
the sad songs my lady sings.

"Bartender!"
I order a Jack
he looks at me
and knows I'm wacked

all the pain, sufferin'
The scars of livin' (dyin'?),
displayed;
badges of dishonor.

Don’t see a way out
Never saw the way in.

I crawl on all fours,
hidin' from my devil;
It put me in this box of disdain.

fear is real and I fear my devil's demands.

2009-05-05T08:52:00.001-07:00

Tuesday morning. HooRah! Another Monday tucked away into the proverbial filing cabinet of life, never to be heard from again. And this is not far from the truth as this past Monday was quite the same as other Mondays I have encountered.

It was dreary and it rained all day. In the outside world as well as inside the mundane office I've elected to serve in order to subsidize what I loosely call "my life."

Now, it's not all bad, mind you. It is just not what I dreamed of doing when I laid there in bed as a young boy, staring at the ceiling. I didn't know what I do for a living existed till I walked into the interview. Now that I know it exists, I can think of nothing more than limiting my exposure to it.

I cringe when people tell me that some have been here for 15, 20, 25 and 30 years. I've been here for almost 11 years and it has sucked away any remnants of light I may have had before I walked into the building! If any more light is sucked away, I'll join the ranks of the walking dead!

Some would argue that at least I have a job. At least I'm not one of the thousands that are struggling to cover their costs, trying to keep their homes, etc, etc. I agree. I thank my lucky stars each day for the luxury of having a job that affords me many of my needs and passions. However, it is not what I had in mind. It is a stop sign in life, not a dead end. It can't be. It mustn't.

Onto my real passion...I am working on a piece I hope to share here by week's end. Some of it is in my head and some of it is in the memo application of my Blackberry, because the notebook I usually carry was soaked by Monday's rain. I hate Mondays.

Youth=Violence

2009-04-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

So there I was, standing, barely
conscious, yet just enough left in me
To listen.

Intently,
I marveled at their anger
At their passion for disagreement.

But I stood silent
Afraid to express myself
For fear
Of rebuke.

As they argued
I tried to understand them
To join one over the other
But I couldn't.

It was hard to hear over the rhetoric
To hear the real meaning of their words.

As I fought hard to get the meaning
A blade comes out and disappears into
The other child's chest

And I hear
The only coherent words,

"Don't you talk bad about my momma!"

Slide

2009-04-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

I slide through life
In elaborate disguise
With my head hung low to avoid…

Your beautiful eyes
As they wonder why
I'm so interested in knowing who you are.

I wake up each mornin’
With the thought of what you're doin',
If you're tired, if you're worried and alone.

And I wish
I was man enough
to tell you how I feel
But I stumble when I try to speak truth.

I know that you feel I don't know you
Like I should,
My caring is all in my head.

Yet, I slide through life
Try not to excite
Your heart
For fear that you will
Exclude me from all you hold close and dear.

Leaving me outside in the cold.